| Closing the Book - Signing Off |
[18 Nov 2004|04:01pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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Everything I've Ever Listened To |
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Well folks - this is it. I used to say that I would start my Livejournal in Freshman Year and stop writing at the end of Senior Year...keep track of high school. I lied. This is my last entry. I've realized that the most dangerous thing to a human being is word. Written word. Therefore I'm going to discontinue a journal of any kind. Any writing from this day forward will be purely fictional.
So I'm drawing the curtain on my lovely Livejournal. I know that I got alot out of it, while it lasted. It served as an outlet for my emotions for awhile, and it worked. I loved to pour out my every thought on the Internet, and aside from venting it was, for awhile, an excellent form of self-exploration. I learned to, somewhat, transfer my thoughts from running pictures and scenes and voices in my head, to words. Through this I learned more about myself. But it doesn't satisfy me anymore, so I must move on to other (hopefully deeper) means of self-exploration.
For those of you who actually tackled my long never-ending novels of posts, I hope you got something out of it. Whether that something be a better understanding of who I am, a connection with another person through some similar experience, or just mere entertainment. I hope that you didn't read those monsters for nothing.
For those of you who commented - thanks. I don't ask for comments, so it was like Christmas everytime I recieved a comment, whether they were good, bad, or just plain stupid (Chelsea). Thanks again, I appreciate that anyone would take the time out of their day to, both, read something that has nothing to do with them, and then comment on it. It shows who cares.
For all of my friends - I took great enjoyment in reading all of your journals. And, yes, I did read all of them - even if I never commented.
So now I'm moving on. I'm going to spend less time on the internet, complaining about the unchangable, and I'm going to spend more time living life. I wish to find Love as opposed to love. To Live rather than to live. To Cry and not cry. To Feel instead of feel. And if I spend more time out there doing something rather than sitting in my dark room typing away, brooding over stupid things on the World Wide Web, I might be able to accomplish this. For now I have Hope which is always better than hope. I pray that everyone I care about, everyone that I've mentioned in these many entries will find these Things as well.
On a final note: Watch out for...The Aidoooo. Listen to some Queen. Hang with the Bo-Rhap Gang. Read some Edgar Allen Poe. Spend some time in the Blackbox. Sleep in the tech booth. Cry in the dressing room. Talk in the stairwell. Have Jam Sessions in the Green Room. Make some room for some "Peanut Butter Jelly Time". Watch Spiderman. Go see some shows. Loathe someone. Love someone. Loathe and Love the same person. Talk about Jesus. Talk about religion. Talk about politics. Sit in a wooden box. Have a sword fight. Walk to Grab-N-Go. Walk like a Starburst kid. Shout Elizabethan vocabulary at unsuspecting Indonesian Grab-N-Go employees. Comfort a friend. Have a tea party. Have a co-ed sleepover. Turn a friend into a drag queen. Watch some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Write a play. Write a movie. Write in your Livejournal. Write a song. Write poetry. Hang out in the mens dressing room, even if you are female (especially if you are female). Talk about the future. Talk about the past. Remember Smith. Remember the meaning of Freshman Year. Remember the meaning of "Theatre Family".
Anything I forgot?
This is Amanda Kathleen "Hootie" "Hoot" "Hooters" "Meatloaf" "Freddie" "Mariette" "Helen" "Eponine" Hootman signing off...
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| Too Much Popcorn |
[15 Nov 2004|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Sweeney Todd |
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I had too much Boyscout popcorn. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
Well a pretty good weekend. It was fun. Seminar. Photoshoot. I think some pictures are up on amandahootman.com but I havem't checked yet so I'll go take a looksee.
Today sucked.
Trevor isn't coming back to school at all and I can't even put into words how depressed I am. I just want to go to sleep and pretend I was never awake to begin with.
Thank you, Sophomore Year.
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| Uncomfortably Numb |
[12 Nov 2004|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd. |
] |
Breakdown.
Today.
Acting.
Went home.
Burned things.
Want to see my friend.
Want to see Tina.
Hope she is okay.
Mom doesn't understand.
Thinks I'm psycho.
I have a reason to be sad, don't I?
Oh, well.
Screw all.
The people that understand are there.
Everyone else is invisible.
Emotion is still there but exaughstion has pushed through.
Cannot show me.
It's okay.
Don't care about anything right now.
Numb.
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| Short Entry - |
[11 Nov 2004|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Yesterday - Beatles |
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Spent most of today lying around thinking.
What if I had lost him?
He scared me. I hate that son-of-a-bitch.
Not really.
Unfortunately.
Spent alot of today lying around playing with matches. The beauty and power of a tiny flame is only so visible when its right there in your hand. I watched the matches burn until there was nothing left but a peice of black and a raw finger. I lit a few matches and blew them out quickly and pressed them to my skin to see the little white marks they left. When you burn yourself with a match it looks like a bug bite, when you burn yourself with a pencil it looks like a disease.
Went to the mall breifly today.
Ordered a whole bunch or ringtones - I'm going to get into a big pile of shit when the bill comes.
Going to my first "A Christmas Carol" rehearsal tonight.
Still feeling a little bit...blah...
Mon amour...
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| I Have An Idea - How About Let's, Everyone, Stop Being So Fucked Up |
[10 Nov 2004|03:03pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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music |
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blah |
] |
People confuse me.
Drew needs to stop being so psychotic and get over it. I didn't bother to ask what was wrong just once and suddenly the whole world comes crashing down? No. Life goes on. Sorry I didn't ask, I'll put it away for next time, right next to the part of my sub-consious that is now branded with "Drew Is Creepy" all over it's cushion-y walls.
Mrs. Pacetti confuses me. She still doesn't get the fucking message. She tried to write me up for going and telling on her for the shit she pulled today. Try and make us turn our stories into scenes, will ya? Well I have a scene you can act out: "How I Got Fired From Cypress Lake High School".
I just realized that I'm being rather rude and sarcastic. Oh, well. Everyone has their moods.
We have tomorrow off. I should see if everyone can go to the beach or something. Yeah.
Someone call me because I'm bored.
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| "...My Emotions Are In A Spin..." |
[08 Nov 2004|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Barking |
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Well, this weekend was confusing.
I had "Stars of Tomorrow" which I, personally, think I didn't do too great on because my voice was all juicy with mucus (yeah...yum) from my being sick. But apparently my parents thought it was "very good" and I came very very close to the top five. Not bad, maybe I should try again next year when God hasn't smited me with an aweful illness.
I had the "Talk" with Nick and Dietsch and much seemed accomplished. It made me happy.
Homecoming was fun as always. Afterwards the limo driver took up to Fort Myers Beach and we ran down the sand in our formals and bare feet like I've always wanted to. It was beautiful. Then the limo driver took us to Liquid, so I had my first Emo Central experience, but all of the emo kids were at Homecoming after-parties so it was empty but for a few drunkasses ("Hey, I liiike your prom dresss...").
Then everyone spent the night at Zachary's. I couldn't sleep because I was coughing and weezing so Trevor and I went out of the porch and talked and we kept thinking Obediah was Satan. We had some great conversation, for awhile I felt like best friends again, I felt a glimmer of what used to be. For the greedy human mind, a taste of nostalgia makes one hungry for the past beyond her wildest dreams, if only for a little while. Maybe if Trevor stops being so friggin' bi-polar I can have three best guy friends...? (Well, two actually but I'll get to that...)
After I went home from Zach's my parents and I went to the Marco Film Festival. It was cool. I looked so young in One Evening it's so shocking everytime I look at it. I really wanted to see P.S....**frown**
When we got home I was exhausted out of my mind, having recieved a total of about eleven hours sleep in the past two days...roughly...so I passed out in bed.
(And on to the thing I mentioned before.) Drew decided to ignore me from now on, from what I hear to rid himself of feelings for me. It hurts that he would want to stop being friends with me but whatever he thinks is best I think is best. So for the time being I have one best guy friend and his name is Nicholas Seamus Murray, for whom, I think (and just in time) my feelings have finally waned. They're nearly gone now. Yay!!!!!
So this weekend was Heaven and Hell, but what weekend isn't when you're a teen?
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| Arg Sick. |
[04 Nov 2004|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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"No One Knows Who I Am" - is everyone sick of this song? |
] |
First - I stole these from Miss Chelsea Kraft - ya dirty whore.
I would just like to point out a few things here:
A. Melody is my best man.
B. Mr. Fuciu is my bridesmaid.
C. Callie wants me
and finally
D. My last fling is with KYLE ANNE and she knows where it is to be held...**cough**graveyard**cough**
Hmmm...'very opinionated'...pshhhhhh no wayyyyyy....
Well, in other news, ladies and gents I am fucking sick. Yep, that's right, SICK. The DAY BEFORE my f-ing Stars of Tomorrow. God, what the heck did I ever do to you? My throat hurts like a mother, and my nose is becoming bipolar going from concrete-nasal-cavity-blocking-snot to Niagra Falls in an hour - if you don't mind me being blunt.
I performed both 3rd and 6th periods today in Spotlight. In 3rd I went off key because my dang music wasn't loud enough so I couldn't hear, dammit. 6th was better, though. If I screwed that up I would have hurt myself.
Tomorrow is my big talk with Dietsch and Nick. Whoopee. I hope I don't pass out mid-speach. I need some Vicks...
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| "And We Will Uphold Our Deepest Values of Family and Faith" |
[03 Nov 2004|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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some soap opera |
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Hello, Mr. Bush, this is a fucking DEMOCRACY! "Faith"? Are you trying to turn our entire country into Christians? That's what it sounds like my friend. What was it America most prides itself in again - oh, yes: FREEDOM.
And "family values" is what Cracker Barrel called it when they refused to hire gays and lesbians.
Fucking nazi.
Dammit I'm so pissed he was re-elected. I may be twisting his words around, but you know that's exactly what he's thinking.
I betcha he's going to make abortion illegal, too. More babies to harvest. Why kill them before they know what life is when you can let them have a short, sweet, taste of life and send them to get their heads chopped off in a war over oil?
Today we had a Look Homeward moment in English. Mrs. Greene was having us read different parts from a short story and Dietsch's character asked mine "Have you tried everything?" and I replied as the book said but added on (quite loudly) "...she's drowning, DROWNING!!!!!!". Everyone in Theatre broke out laughing and shortly after so did a few kids who had no idea what was going on and wanted to look cool, while everyone else just stared.
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| Ay, Me! |
[01 Nov 2004|06:42pm] |
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There are so many things going on and so many things that I want to say to so many people. My mind is buzzing. Today, after school I was practically on a high because of how many things are floating around my brain. Giddy. Giggley. Yet...unsatisfied.
I realized last night that I'm more introverted than I thought. I really don't tell everyone everything like I claim to. It'd not that I lie, it's just there are so many things that I don't even admit to myself.
I realized today that in my ever-constant, unrelenting, daydreams I plan out speaches, dialogue, interaction between people I know. Things I mean to do and never go through with.
Why do I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking thoughts I'm not even aware of? Why do I plan out elaborate, yet entirely possible fantasies only to come back to reality and cast my ambitions aside?
What had God intended for me?
Not all entirely here,
Eponine.
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| Happy Halloween, Kids. |
[31 Oct 2004|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Nightmare Before Christmas |
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Don't eat too much candy.
Got a Homecoming dress today. Still don't know if I'm going. If I don't I'll find some excuse to wear it. It's a Ralph Lauren. Plain black. Not the glittery stuff you find in the teen department. For some reason I don't like the things that average teens like. It's hard to shop for me because I always fall in love with something in the adult department that's way to big for me. But this, although it's big, looks like it's supposed to hang off of me as it does.
Got the rest of my Celebrity Day costume and stubled across the perfect costume for Time Warp Day - I'm going 70's style, baby.
Halloween was fun. Vicki, Anni, and I realized we all accidently dressed with a theme - scantly clad and black. I was a flapper with an insanely short dress and black thigh highs, Vicki was a black cat with black tights and short shorts, and Anni was a black angel with black tights and short shorts. Yay. What fun. We think alike.
My grades suck so I have to drop out of lyrical and ballet to make time for homework on Wednesdays.
I'm also applying for a job at the mall, so I'm going to have to stop being the procrastinating adolescent I'm used to being and work my ass off.
Mom says I'm intelligent I only get bad grades because I don't work hard enough. What does she know? I'm a dumb ass. Look at my fucking hair.
Eh.
School after Halloween - this sucks. I should probably get some sleep.
See you when I see you - I may not be posting as much anymore, seeing as I need to work and study, work and study...
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| Costuming and Look Homeward Angel Part II: Return of the Drowning |
[30 Oct 2004|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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All American shit played between acts |
] |
Today I had to go costume shopping for celebrity day, Halloween (I only need a pair of shorts), and Stars of Tomorrow. Damn. Portions of every costume ae still missing.
Look Homeward went considerably well tonight, especially compared to the car wreck it was last night. Last nights performance was so insanely bad it was actually funny. Ha. Ha. I just realized that the girls dressing room can almost be as fun as the boys...atleast with this bunch of people...we do such interesting things. We took funky pictures. Everyone put kiss marks on Emily's chest. I pretended to be blind. ANNIE AND I TRADED BRAS (told you I would write about it in my journal). Funny shit.
Well, I guess now is the time when I have a moment of silence to commemorate to the ending of yet another show.
*silence*
Moment of randomness the break the silence: right now I'm eating a choclate peanut butter muffin and enchiladas.
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| Look Homeward Angel |
[28 Oct 2004|10:43pm] |
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mood |
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cranky |
] |
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music |
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Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkle |
] |
Ha. Check out my amazingly imaginative title.
Well tonight was the opening night of Look Homeward, Angel and things didn't go half bad. My parents couldn't come tonight nor can they come tomorrow night, unfortunately, but they'll be there on the last night.
Today we made up the Cypress Lake High "Gametime" so now there's a Cape High "Gametime" (spanking with cupped hands) and a Cypress High "Gametime" (grabbing still-green twigs and beating the Jesus out of on another). It was glorious. Tomorrow I'm going to have everyone bloody me up real good because I'm dissapointed with my welts tonight.
I'll be glad when this show is over so I can stop eating all this junk food. I must weigh 115 pounds. Serious, with all of this fast food shit I've been eating I'd bet you money that I do.
Started a "paper" journal today. It's not like this. I don't really put that much feeling into it, I just use it for when I want to get that feeling you get when you press pen onto paper. Scribblings; scrawlings.
Oi...bedtime....
I don't want to go to sleep.
I'm so awake.
Grrr. I know I won't be tomorrow.
Oh, well. I'll try.
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| "All My Life I've Only Been Pretending..." |
[27 Oct 2004|12:51pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
] |
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music |
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Little People - Les Miserables |
] |
Why is it that now I can't sing along with "On My Own" without bursting into tears? It's happened twice now.
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| The Sandman Was Too Busy Fucking Santa Claus To Bring Me Sleep |
[27 Oct 2004|10:07am] |
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mood |
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the opposite of awake |
] |
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music |
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the sound of Taz chewing up a frisbee |
] |
I needed to stay home today to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I can get a ride to rehearsal afterschool today. I really want to go. Opening night is tomorrow. I want to see my buddies, too. Either way I go something is wrong. If I stay home I'm alone, and miss my friends. If I go to school...well...it's school.
Last night was the worst rehearsal of my entire life. I missed five cues. If the actual play goes as it did last night I'll have a fucking cow. No joke. I'll just lay down on the Blackbox floor and give birth to a fucking baby calf. How do ya like them burgers?!
I've just been under a lot of stress as of late. Magnified by ten billion by the bags under my eyes.
Well, my prediction is that today will be filled with sleep, i-am-bored.com, and frantic last-minute phone calls asking for rides. Wow. I should be a clairvoyant.
Hootman the Mystic.
Miss Cleo would be proud.
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| Cold. |
[24 Oct 2004|01:56pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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At The End of the Day - Les Miserables |
] |
Yesterday was great. It really was. Individual Events were awesome and I got to talk a bunch of shit out with Dietsch because he was an observer and I was the last person to perform that day. My performance was fun simply because having so many friends there to support me was such rush. I love them so much. Everyone that was there. I.E.'s probably would have sucked if I didn't have my friends there with me. It was so great waching them perform. At lunch we had a Jekyll and Hyde moment and got a standing ovation from everyone else around. Avenue Q won the showcase, so our school will be the mainstage at State. I got a superior so I'm going to be participating in State as well. It was quite a shocker...and not the kind you're thinking of...I just didn't know what to say. Definitely going to do this next year.
Shae drove Angela, Nick, Zach, and I to my place. It was quite fun.
For the most part my party was okay. I think everyone was having fun. I had a couple moments, though, where I was feeling more or less neglected and lied to. But it was alright.
I'm going to try to get through to Trevor. Some people saw what he was trying to do and I'm sick of it. It's mortifying, degrading, and sickening, and I'm always afraid everyone thinks I'm playing along with his shit and that I want it. I don't. I want him to stop. If he's so damn in love with Justine, then why not dedicate himself to her? I'm sick of not being able to lay down without him breathing down my fucking back. Among the people that saw were Dietsch, and that pisses me off all the more. The fact that Trevor has the gall...ugh.
I'm starting to question myself about Livejournal. Why do I have to post my every thought on the web? Eventually I'll piss someone off. If they care, that is.
My God, I'm cold. Why? Dammit.
I probably need sleep.
But before that I have to clean. Shit.
Oui.
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| "So Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1999..." |
[22 Oct 2004|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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music |
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The Winner Takes It All - Abba |
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So I guess tomorrow is my party. From what I gather it's not going to be a bad turnout, either. Sounds like it's going to be a lot bigger than last year. Sweet.
I'm tired as fuck today because I actually didn't sleep last night if anyone read my stupid previous post. I'm one of those people who doesn't get scared when she sees things so much as hears them. That's why Halloween Horror Nights always scares the piss outta me. They scream in my ear.
I was so tired and grumpy that I sucked ass at tennis today. I couldn't even train my eyes on the ball. I just swung my raquet around some and hit this guys Volkswagen SUV about twelve times.
I think I'll retire early this evening...especially considering the fact that tomorrow are (aside from my party) Individual Events and we have to be at school at 5:45. Damn.
Hmmm...I.E.'s...I could practice but I'd rather not and say I did.
Anyone who needs my address to mapquest it (because I refuse to spend the time to give directions) call me. 239 464 5841 - my cell.
See ya when I see ya.
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| I Don't Have A Title For This Entry. |
[21 Oct 2004|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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The cries of millions |
] |
I don't think I can sleep.
I shrugged off the noises at first but then it came back and hit me. When I was in the shower the screams of Hell came back to haunt me. I imagined seeing a tortured, sad, screaming face peering from behind the shower curtain and my reaching out but not knowing what to do. I imagined a few of those million screams to be that of my loved ones. Oh my God. It made me want to vomit. I don't regret Dietsch letting me listen. I feel more knowledgable now. This feeling that I have is the average paranoia that comes along with knowledge. I'm glad I heard. But moments ago I was, dare I say - terrified? I don't know why. Why is the shower one of the scariest places in the world?
I don't think I can sleep.
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| So Fucking Tired. |
[19 Oct 2004|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Les Miserables |
] |
Very little sleep, Yoda has had, yes.
Yawn.
So today my whole beef with Drew just got fixed in time for my Mom to get pissed at me. Mrs. Bitch at the Attendance office told her of my post-PSAT escapades. Dammit. I never get a moments peace, do I?
I was a tad bit cranky today from lack of sleep (got home at midnight last night). The whole thing with Drew was pissing me off three times what it should have. And for a short point today I got really pissed at Trevor for absolutely no reason at all. I didn't say anything. I just kind of looked at him and said "I don't like him right now." and kinda glared for a second.
I need sleep.
Got chewed out by two different people today.
Scratch the sleep part. I need a hug.
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| Two People Change Their Minds - And Both Times It Ends Up With Me Lookin' Good. |
[17 Oct 2004|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
] |
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music |
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none...I'm starting a theme here...my world is so quiet |
] |
The other day Stars of Tomorrow called and said I didn't make it in. Today they called and said they changed their minds. I'm just that damn irresistable.
Today Mom and I decided against a Grace Kelly costume for Halloween as well. It would be a whole shitload of work to put into no one recognizing me. So we're just going to take that old flapper costume that's been in the back of my closet for years and do what we can with that. Being so old it's incredibly short, so we're going to have to add more fringe on it. But other than that it looks really good. It's actually slimming...but I'm going to have to tape my breasts down because it wasn't made for someone with boobs, no matter how small those boobs may be. That's not a problem, though.
I really want to audition for Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I really do love it, and now that auditions are coming up I'm realizing just how much I love it. Hope Miss Carol gets back to me. I want to try ooouuuuuuuuuuut. **whines**
My party is coming up so flipping fast. Mom and I are frantically looking for decorations. I'm going to have to carpool with someone to my own party too. How wonderful.
Drews a bastard who jumps to conclusions to quickly.
Anyone have anything I could use for a Lucy (Jekyll and Hyde) costume? Any corsettes? 19th century skirts? Anything in black and/or red would be especially nice.
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| AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Boredom Is Eating My Brains!! |
[17 Oct 2004|09:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none...why haven't I been listening to music lately? |
] |
I'm so bored. Nothing's happening. Someone talk to me.
Mom wouldn't let me go to the movies last night so I went to sleep instead and apparently I didn't hear a text from Drew and a phone call from Annie when the phone was right next to my head. I did hear when Micheal called though, because I had woken up and just gone back to bed when he gave me a ring. He was at Halloween Horror Nights. I felt terrible telling him we weren't there. I really wish we could have gone yesterday. Oh, well.
I'm bored. Call me. Invite me somewhere. Do something, people I need YOU.
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